[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
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2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Not today, today.
Not today.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Netflix: We have Less
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie