@msbtx

“Snitches get stitches,” I whisper to my 3 year old as he watches me brush Oreo crumbs from the bed sheets.

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@wildethingy

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

@Parkerlawyer

A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.

@ClichedOut

ME: i trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: name an object pronoun

CAT: me-

ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: patience

CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda

@catcohen

me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175

@SketchesbyBoze

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village

@Parkerlawyer

People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…

Was it jail? I bet it was jail.

@Introvert_Dad

*wife puts down dinner plate*

*single pea rolls off plate*

Me: oh no we have an esca-pea

Wife:

Me: I don’t care I think it’s still funny

@chelseaperetti

“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE

@imence2

“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.