@msbtx

“Snitches get stitches,” I whisper to my 3 year old as he watches me brush Oreo crumbs from the bed sheets.

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@AndyRichter

My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place

@dmc1138

Every TV commercial right now: “You’re not just a customer, you’re family.”

All of us: “That’s actually worse.”

@SpenceDen

I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.

@ilovepie84

I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.

@pittdave13

Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS

@girlnarly

[mcdonalds]

me: two marijuanas please

employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru

me: two McMarijuanas please

@AdviceFromDino

Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.

@MyNameIsArchaic

Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video