I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
“Snitches get stitches,” I whisper to my 3 year old as he watches me brush Oreo crumbs from the bed sheets.
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A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
HER: this sucks
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
If you haven’t texted your ex yet clap your hands…
*wife puts down dinner plate*
*single pea rolls off plate*
Me: oh no we have an esca-pea
Me: I don’t care I think it’s still funny
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.