Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
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I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Any refunds available?…
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?