@CroweJam

Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.

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@elunatyk

I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.

@thenatewolf

Women are so confusing, one day they say they love hummus and then the next day they say it’s a bad birthday present.

@OffTheHutch

An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.

@RodLacroix

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

@justokpanda

Me: I just don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

Dermatologist: As we’ve discussed, the sun doesn’t have feelings and won’t know it’s been blocked.

[later]

The Sun: *gasps* that BITCH

@mzeld

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

@MumInBits

My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction

@SamDelanche

“I’m turning over a new leaf”

-Adam telling Eve that he’s seeing another woman

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.

@ATTLien

ITS A NELSON MANDALA. WHO EVEN COMMITS TO A PUN LIKE THAT.