My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
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My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.