Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
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can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Twitter remains undefeated
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.