My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
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When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent鈥檚 weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as 鈥淒on鈥檛 make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he鈥檒l never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 馃挍.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 饾樀饾槱饾槮饾槸 exterminate all human life.
Welcome to your 40鈥檚: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn鈥檛 have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
[before nap]
I鈥檒l be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it鈥檚 way too late to do anything