[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
You Might Also Like
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
no such thing as a dumb question
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.