[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
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Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Check out the legs on this baby
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!