@JillianKarger

SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?

SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot

SLEEPY: I sleep a lot

GRUMPY: my wife left me

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@Cheeseboy22

My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”

@JohnLyonTweets

When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.

@Phook75

Looking at our latest Comcast bill and I can only pray that our daughter has zero aspirations for college

@Gupton68

Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?

Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no

W: I despise you

@DurtMcHurtt

Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.

@Vice_Queen

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

@likeursoperfect

Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.

@heyitsJudeD

All those years of karate training wasted …

I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….

@briangaar

If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”