SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
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16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
…żyje?
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”