@Cheeseboy22
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
@JillianKarger
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
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@Cheeseboy22
@GoogleChamiya
If abortion is murder, then are condoms kidnapping…
@JohnLyonTweets
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
@Phook75
Looking at our latest Comcast bill and I can only pray that our daughter has zero aspirations for college
@Gupton68
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
@DurtMcHurtt
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
@Vice_Queen
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
@likeursoperfect
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
@heyitsJudeD
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
@briangaar
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”