SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?

SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot

SLEEPY: I sleep a lot

GRUMPY: my wife left me

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My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”


When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.


Looking at our latest Comcast bill and I can only pray that our daughter has zero aspirations for college


Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?

Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no

W: I despise you


Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.


Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.


Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.


All those years of karate training wasted …

I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….


If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”