Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
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*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
This is a sub tweet
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.