Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
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Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Current mood: Potato
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos