Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
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My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Mornin
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.