snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
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ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Okey dokey.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
lmao
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂