@iamspacegirl

snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool

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@SteveKoehler22

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

@Brampersandon_

If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.

@sonictyrant

Cop: *pulls me over*
Me: *winds down my car door window*
Cop: where’s the rest of your vehicle?

@kelkulus

Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.

@donni

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

@Skoogeth

[during sex]

her: choke me

me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}

@shkeeber

You get an ark!
You get an ark!
You get an ark!
You get an ark!
You get an ark!
You get an ark!

-Noahpra

@aligarchy

DR: you have this disease
ME: oh no
DR: but you can cure it with a healthy diet and exercise
ME: OH NO

@Rollmaninoz

Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem

@SvnSxty

*on the phone*

God: I’ve read it

God: Yes, SEVERAL hard reboots

God: A meteor

God: No warranty, no

God: I tampered with Pangea

God: You think I don’t know that?

God: *pulling hair* THERE’S NO RECEIPT

*spying*

Batman: Who’s he talking to

Robin: Holy tech support Batman