snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

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Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.


Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.



*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.


Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.


5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.


Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.

Is it because I’m brown??


Don’t insult me by looking into my eyes. This bra cost me $65.


ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip


Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.


my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”