snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
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BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.