DTF (Down time finally)
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
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ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Cop: can you describe your attacker?
J.R.R Tolkien: yes but it’ll take ages
I did not say your baby was ugly. I just asked what happened.
the iPhone 8 won’t even come with headphones you’ll have to imagine you’re listening to music
(starts to scramble eggs)
“THESE YOLKS WON’T BREAK! THIS IS TAKING FOREVER!”
(.0008 seconds later)
If you see a white guy in earbuds convulsing angrily with T. Rex arms, don’t freak out. I’m just jamming out to Eminem.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.