snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

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ME: make every guy afraid of me

GENIE: as u wish

ME: (a tampon): son of a


Cop: can you describe your attacker?

J.R.R Tolkien: yes but it’ll take ages


the iPhone 8 won’t even come with headphones you’ll have to imagine you’re listening to music


(starts to scramble eggs)


(.0008 seconds later)

“Oh, ok.”


If you see a white guy in earbuds convulsing angrily with T. Rex arms, don’t freak out. I’m just jamming out to Eminem.


We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.


Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg

and wait.



If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.