@roob_drummer

snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

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@ClichedOut

ME: make every guy afraid of me

GENIE: as u wish

ME: (a tampon): son of a

@ArfMeasures

Cop: can you describe your attacker?

J.R.R Tolkien: yes but it’ll take ages

@leathershirts

the iPhone 8 won’t even come with headphones you’ll have to imagine you’re listening to music

@HatfieldAnne

(starts to scramble eggs)

“THESE YOLKS WON’T BREAK! THIS IS TAKING FOREVER!”

(.0008 seconds later)

“Oh, ok.”

@MdUNH

If you see a white guy in earbuds convulsing angrily with T. Rex arms, don’t freak out. I’m just jamming out to Eminem.

@FatBottomGirl1

We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.

@loribuckmajor

Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg

and wait.

-hospitals

@DestryBrod

If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.