“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
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*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok