[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
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My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*