[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
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date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
#SCOTUS one-star review
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too