*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
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Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.