Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
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I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks