I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
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Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Why font matters.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …