*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
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I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing