So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
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Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.