So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
You Might Also Like
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Gross if literal…Liverpool