So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
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2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Venn
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.