@_cingraham

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

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@DaddyJew

I just want someone to look at me like I look at bubble wrap

@Buttija

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.

@alymoemaly

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.

@iamspacegirl

Columbus: I claim this cake for Spain.
Also these Slim Jims are for Spain, too.
And maybe the

me: dude, that’s my mom’s cassero-

C: Spain.

@TheMichaelRock

Never laugh at a toddlers joke unless you want to hear it repeated 425 more times.

@JUSTLisandra

Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.

Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..

But never lemons.

@canadasandra

When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.

@YasmeenMS

‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.

@ArtConDee

Can you just bear with me for a moment? *grabs salmon out of stream. bites head off. hibernates.*