Meanwhile India is just blown away that you can get Britain to leave by voting
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
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“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Cashier: “Yes I know it’s only $1 but it’s not coming up in the system so I need to do a price check, call the manager & hold a shareholders meeting.”
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
BREAKING: Clint Eastwood visits the Vatican to talk to the empty chair.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Rather than buy a gun, I’ve been studying “Home Alone” and now defend my home with marbles and old gangster movies.