@AmishPornStar1

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

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@BobbyBigWheel

Meanwhile India is just blown away that you can get Britain to leave by voting

@JPLFR80

“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.

@thrill_tweeter

Cashier: “Yes I know it’s only $1 but it’s not coming up in the system so I need to do a price check, call the manager & hold a shareholders meeting.”

@CaptainJerkwad

My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.

@BunAndLeggings

Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?

Me: your what?

Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: I’m confused

Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: *crying* someone help me

@XplodingUnicorn

I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.

@KimmyMonte

Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold

@emilioherce

Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this

@kelkulus

Rather than buy a gun, I’ve been studying “Home Alone” and now defend my home with marbles and old gangster movies.