So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
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From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”