So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.


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Meanwhile India is just blown away that you can get Britain to leave by voting


“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.


Cashier: “Yes I know it’s only $1 but it’s not coming up in the system so I need to do a price check, call the manager & hold a shareholders meeting.”


My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.


Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?

Me: your what?


Me: I’m confused


Me: *crying* someone help me


I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.


Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold


Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this


Rather than buy a gun, I’ve been studying “Home Alone” and now defend my home with marbles and old gangster movies.