@bartandsoul

So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing

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@Brampersandon_

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

@ericsshadow

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.

@Izianikapani

Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…

@ericsshadow

[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet

@cupcakelynda

Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.

@UncleKermit

If I won a billion dollars, I’d help so many people. I’d help them into my deadly tank of man eating sharks under my evil lair.

@Pulse_NYC

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[at the zoo]

HER: look at that leopard

ME: beautiful

HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?

ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen

@Donna_McCoy

If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.