When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
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My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
If I won a billion dollars, I’d help so many people. I’d help them into my deadly tank of man eating sharks under my evil lair.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.