So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
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“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Perfect
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.