So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
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He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
greetings!
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*