please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
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When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
“She must be shy” is probably what I say to myself the most when a woman abruptly moves across the country after talking to me.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”