You know why most americans love minions so much? Because they resemble Twinkies..
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
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spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
*hides bag of steaks*
News reports 5hr Energy may be linked to death. Don’t know if it’s an advertising gimmick or not but I bought a bunch to gift, just in case.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Ok hear me out.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.