SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
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Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
This is my cat’s medicine.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff