@jellybnbonanza

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.

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@BillFienberg

If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.

But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”

@Mr_Kapowski

My 8 year old was awake on the couch at 6 am and said “I always wake up at this time, Daddy” and I felt like I was in a horror movie trailer

@TweetPotato314

her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part

@vexroid

Cell phone.

Recliner.

Beer.

Not at work.

This homeless guy is living the dream from what I can tell.

@yenniwhite

I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.

@hythemafia

Knock knock

“Who’s there?”

“Dejav”

“Dejav who?”

Knock knock

@alyssalimp

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

@BackrowSeats

In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering “I don’t know how you eat that shit”.