Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
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If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
My 8 year old was awake on the couch at 6 am and said “I always wake up at this time, Daddy” and I felt like I was in a horror movie trailer
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Not at work.
This homeless guy is living the dream from what I can tell.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering “I don’t know how you eat that shit”.
Who puts their underwear on like that?