@mvrlyns

so after the Coronavirus blows over, will y’all continue to practice good hygiene and sanitation? … or will y’all go back to not washing your legs when you shower?

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@Cryptoterra

I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard

@jazz_inmypants

Cinderella: thanks for finding my shoe 🙂

Prince: no problem. will u marry me

@TheLoinRanger

SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.

@sixfootcandy

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?

@richardosman

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

@robfee

Where was the NSAs wire taps when the McCallisters were leaving messages with all the neighbors that Kevin was home alone? Thanks Obama.

@Dani_Feld

What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?

@FredTaming

[ funeral ]

me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands

her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping