@mvrlyns

so after the Coronavirus blows over, will y’all continue to practice good hygiene and sanitation? … or will y’all go back to not washing your legs when you shower?

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@theSolemnBard

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By putting the meat and cheese between two pieces of bread, one can keep one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

@Sarcasmo718

The guy I just cut off thinks he’s gonna destroy my car with high beams.

@vornietom

People who say “don’t hate the player hate the game” are working under the wildly false assumption that I am unable to hate 2 things at once

@bylinetd

To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”

I want your life.

@SSparklesDaily

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

@SaltyCorpse

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

My kids: WE CAN’T FIND ANYTHING AND WE’VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO DO EVERYTHING.

@mrtruthandsoul

Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!

@squirrel74wkgn

[laying in bed]

Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback

Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine

@ArfMeasures

SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?