so after the Coronavirus blows over, will y’all continue to practice good hygiene and sanitation? … or will y’all go back to not washing your legs when you shower?

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I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard


Cinderella: thanks for finding my shoe 🙂

Prince: no problem. will u marry me


SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?


My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.


Where was the NSAs wire taps when the McCallisters were leaving messages with all the neighbors that Kevin was home alone? Thanks Obama.


What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?


[ funeral ]

me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands

her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping