So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
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interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
WHO DID THIS?
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger