So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
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*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
i meant to share this earlier
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
💻🤡
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda