@andylassner

So Amish people just yell their tweets from the top of their barns?

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@TheAlexNevil

6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”

@mejustbeth

Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!

@GrantTanaka

HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF

@rikpayne

Just replaced the cat litter with 44 packages of pop rocks…

And now we wait.

@tacsanitchiban

Old friend: Wow! When the hell did you grow a beard?

Me: This morning. On the way here. Just felt like it was time.

@SoVeryBritish

Responding as if you’ve just been wrongfully accused of murder when someone on the phone asks if you’re still in bed

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!

Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*

@RobDenBleyker

Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.

@samuelhlowe

-Do you take drugs?
-No.
-Ever tried them?
-Never.
-You seem very nervous.
-I’m just not used to being questioned by a unicorn.