6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
So Amish people just yell their tweets from the top of their barns?
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Lol at birds that walk places.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Just replaced the cat litter with 44 packages of pop rocks…
And now we wait.
Old friend: Wow! When the hell did you grow a beard?
Me: This morning. On the way here. Just felt like it was time.
Responding as if you’ve just been wrongfully accused of murder when someone on the phone asks if you’re still in bed
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
-Do you take drugs?
-Ever tried them?
-You seem very nervous.
-I’m just not used to being questioned by a unicorn.