So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”

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Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did


Bull: [angrily snorts]

Bulldog: [angrily barks]

French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]


It’s fun to watch a waitress flirt with my husband for an entire meal, then see that look of betrayal as I take the check from her hand.


Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?


Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!

Me: Sounds great, Dear.


I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.


I’d like to thank my skeletal system for all the support its given me over the years.


The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.