@jlock17

So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”

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@MythicPicnic

Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did

@darksidedeb

Bull: [angrily snorts]

Bulldog: [angrily barks]

French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]

@mishakey

It’s fun to watch a waitress flirt with my husband for an entire meal, then see that look of betrayal as I take the check from her hand.

@DrawingShadows

Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?

@AmishPornStar1

Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!

Me: Sounds great, Dear.

@Brianhopecomedy

I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.

@Mothpete

I’d like to thank my skeletal system for all the support its given me over the years.

@10InchesPlus

The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.