So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
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[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
I am, perchance
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them