So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
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“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
✌🏽
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Hmm, not sure about this change
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Cucumbers Anonymous
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.