@hero_ofthenight

So apparently airport security doesn’t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.

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@NickMotown

Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.

@DaddyJew

“Daddy, how are babies made?”

“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”

@3sunzzz

I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.

@birbigs

3 Doors Down: “Okay, so we’ve named the band. Now what?”

@humanaaron

[4:00 AM]

me: *sneaks into the house*

wife: are you drunk? don’t lie to me I can always tell when you’re drunk because you do that stupid accent

me: aye so av had eh night oot wit me lads, wuts it tae ya? a canny believe yood say such a thing ya feckin wee badger

@electrolemon

as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died

@DRUNKdadding

I’m pretty sure our nanny’s grandmother has died like seven times now……