So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
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when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
that lip filler tho
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
whatcha thinkin bout
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch