So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
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Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level