So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
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My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway