My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
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the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.