Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
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it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.