so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
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Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
every college guy’s fridge
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.