So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
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Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk