So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
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All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.