Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
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A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: You just had 7 with me. Good talk.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one