So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.

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Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it


9: Where’s mom?

Me: Out the back

9: Australia?

M: Out THE back, not the Outback!

9: What’s she doing?

M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think


I’m not sure which is worse:

People who force their religion on you…


Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”


henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back


Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons


Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool


You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.


Boss: Can I have a word with you?

Me: You just had 7 with me. Good talk.

Boss: But..

Me: Shhhhhhh…..


Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one