So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

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What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?


Never understood Monopoly. It’s like saying, “Hey we’re stressed out about real $, so let’s play a game & get stressed out about pretend $.



H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?

M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.


Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.


Being a New York Jets fan is like watching Titanic every Sunday and cheering for the boat.


I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.


*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”

Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”