So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
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I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
is this how new cars are made??
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed