CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite ‘maybe next time’ isn’t the correct response
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SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Instead of politely knocking on the bathroom door, my kid attacks the door like a rookie DEA agent on his first raid
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
She’s an amazing woman not an amazon woman.
And now I’m never getting laid.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
robert downey jr is literally a trained dancer and yet this is the only move he does
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”