So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite ‘maybe next time’ isn’t the correct response

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CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what


SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*


Instead of politely knocking on the bathroom door, my kid attacks the door like a rookie DEA agent on his first raid


I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.


Dear Autocorrect,

She’s an amazing woman not an amazon woman.


And now I’m never getting laid.


Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.


The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.


robert downey jr is literally a trained dancer and yet this is the only move he does


[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”