@Phook75

So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite ‘maybe next time’ isn’t the correct response

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@clichedout

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what

@the_hawlk

SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*

@KKBowls

Instead of politely knocking on the bathroom door, my kid attacks the door like a rookie DEA agent on his first raid

@TuSoonShakur

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

@Crunk_Jews

Dear Autocorrect,

She’s an amazing woman not an amazon woman.

Thanks.

And now I’m never getting laid.

@Darlainky

Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.

@PaperWash

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

@starksyndrome

robert downey jr is literally a trained dancer and yet this is the only move he does

@internetluke

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”