If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
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do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Bobby pin
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year