Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
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I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
That’s fair
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball