Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
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What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
bury ourselves
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Tier 3 meme
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see