So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
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My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
My love language is deader than Latin
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Simple
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?